The Emotion of It All

The emotion of it all…

I’ve been reading a few blogs lately and it’s funny how much we are all similar.  I experience things and think, “wow, I must be the only one to experience this like this”.  But I’m not.  The song lyrics I posted as a page status…

"Don't worry about the future, or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum... The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind: the kind that blindsides you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday..."

This makes me think of small things that happen that elicit severe emotional responses.  Some of the blogs mentioned this scenario.  I would love to specifically cite the examples for you but I’m left with my “Truth List” running through my head…

“…the kind that blindsides you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday…”

My grandmother died on Tuesday.  It may have been a Thursday.  It was April.  It was 1999.  It was definitely one of those days.  I know this because on Tuesdays and Thursdays in the spring we had open gym for basketball.  It was definitely Tuesday.  The phone rang.  I heard my dad say a few words and he called me into the living room and told me, “grandma died today”.  It was something like that.  I probably shouldn’t use quotes.  I said, “oh, I’m going to basketball practice” and I left the house. I ran.  I always did…

Grandma had been sick with cancer for several months so it wasn’t a complete shock when she finally passed.  It was more of a blessing so she wouldn’t suffer any longer.  So why then, to this very day, can I not really talk about it?  I was talking to husband this past week and I mentioned something about her and I said, “my grandmother is dead”.  I cried like a baby.  I cried like it had just happened.  I’m crying now while writing this. 

So what does this have to do with all the fitness/weight loss goals?  Well, ultimately, the journey is to a healthier and happier me.  And health isn’t just physical!  So I’m doing some work on me the person.  I wonder why I am the way I am. A perfect example…

One day in grad school, I walked into class.  We were doing presentations that day so the professor wasn’t by the podium as usual.  Instead he sat in the room with us.  He sat in my seat.  Let me set the stage for this.  There were 12 people in my class.  There were maybe 16 seats in the room.  Creatures of habit, we all knew which seat belonged to whom.  The professors knew.  The other classes knew.  EVERYONE knew.  He sat in my seat.  I walked in and just looked at him.  And then I had to sit somewhere else.  I remember this as one of the moments that I quietly freaked out inside while attempting an outwardly calm, cool and collected demeanor.  When I think about this moment, it bothers me.  It’s been 5 years since I graduated and THIS is what I remember.  Why would something like that bother someone so much?

I’ve had roommates and I’m pretty sure they would all tell you that one of my quirks is I don’t like it when people touch my stuff.  My one roommate, whom I’m still good friends with, imitated me once by saying, “don’t touch my stuff, don’t touch my stuff, don’t touch my stuff”.  I don’t know what we were talking about but this caught me off guard. 

But then again, when people tell me that they know I’m all tough girl on the outside and gooey marshmallow on the inside, I’m shocked.  Am I THAT transparent?!?! 

Duh Donna, you know you wear your heart on your sleeve!!  So flipping true.  In high school, I apparently became a concern for some of my coaches and my parents.  My coaches came to my classes to make sure I was there and I found out years later that my parents would drive around school or town to make sure I was where I said I was.  They were concerned I might be out taking my own life. 

This shocked me!  But, I guess I was showing that I wasn’t feeling well.  I was showing signs of depression.  “Are you ok?”  Such an innocent inquiry. “Are you ok?”  “I’m fine.”  Just as quick as the question comes the answer.  “I’m fine.”  No I wasn’t fine!  I was thankful to make it to the bathroom in time and get the door closed before the waterworks came pouring down.  “I’m fine.” Followed by a hasty exit to find somewhere, anywhere, private.  Because I’m fine and don’t need to trouble you with what is troubling me.  I can deal with it on my own. 

But now, at the ripe old age of 33, I’m realizing that I’m NOT fine.  I’m confused by my behavior and don’t understand why I feel the way I do and why I am the way I am.  And I want to know why!  Why can’t I adjust to sudden changes?  Why can’t I adjust to any changes at all?  I hate change!! And holy S*** have I gone through a TON in the last 2 years. 

Ok, so go to counseling or go talk to someone or something.  Why would someone who seems to like to keep everything locked up want to share these things so publicly?  Because I’m tired of hiding.  Really, I’m hoping to become the next big movie (like Julie/Julia).  No kidding.  That was my first inspiration.  But as I started turning a dream of sorts into reality, something started happening.  Mind you, it’s been a week of work but it’s been almost 5 years of thinking about this very project. But one or two comments, a shared blog, a private message, texts from MIL, talking to Mom and so many tears (in a freaking week!) have made me realize that I’m not alone.  People will read and people will learn.  And if one person can learn from my story, then it’ll be worth it.  And someone can share with me that they’ve been there, and then I know I can do it too.