Fear

The husband works overnight now.  3^rd shift.  Awesome.  I’m afraid of the dark. Truth.

Tonight was night #1 and I’m supposed to get up at 5am to go running in Seaside.  I’m going to reassess that plan after tonight.  Because it’s almost 2am and I’m no longer tired…

Well, I was tired.  I was watching Glee on Hulu and I was nodding off.  I was so excited because I would be able to sleep.  No fear. 

So I got up to gather the dogs and double (who am I kidding, quadruple… times infinity) check the front door that it was locked.  And turn off the lights.  Well I guess I turned most of them off when I started watching TV which is surprising in retrospect.  I had turned every light in the apartment on shortly after dark.  Every. Light.  Kitchen, dining, front room area, closet, bathroom, hall, bedroom.  Every. Light. And you wonder why I’ve become a blogger…

So I get up, ready for sleep in my bed with my protective dogs…. Yay, I don’t have to sleep on the couch. Let me check the door again.  FLASH!  I froze…

I might be afraid of thunder and lightning too.  Maybe it’s just the bright lights and loud banging?  Well, just when I’m alone.   Otherwise, I love a good storm. 

FLASH!  Just one.  I froze.  I waited for the torturous rumbling that was sure to follow.  But nothing happened.  Just silence.   

And I’m awake.  Was that lightning?  Yes, it was lightning.  What else could it be?  Don’t let your mind wander, it was lightning. Then, why no thunder?  It was bright.  No thunder?  Is it raining?  No.  The ground is wet, so it must have rained earlier. There were clouds when you walked the dogs remember?  So it was lightning.  God I hope it doesn’t storm.  Why is my heart pounding so loud?  Niner?  Philly?  Let’s go to bed dogs. 

I’m tired.  I can sleep right?  Maybe get the laptop, you can do some writing.  And it's 2am, I'm still writing...

Do you know the 2am song?  By Anna Nalick.  I love this song.  iTunes it. The following couldn't be more perfect... 

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe. 

The Emotion of It All

The emotion of it all…

I’ve been reading a few blogs lately and it’s funny how much we are all similar.  I experience things and think, “wow, I must be the only one to experience this like this”.  But I’m not.  The song lyrics I posted as a page status…

"Don't worry about the future, or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum... The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind: the kind that blindsides you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday..."

This makes me think of small things that happen that elicit severe emotional responses.  Some of the blogs mentioned this scenario.  I would love to specifically cite the examples for you but I’m left with my “Truth List” running through my head…

“…the kind that blindsides you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday…”

My grandmother died on Tuesday.  It may have been a Thursday.  It was April.  It was 1999.  It was definitely one of those days.  I know this because on Tuesdays and Thursdays in the spring we had open gym for basketball.  It was definitely Tuesday.  The phone rang.  I heard my dad say a few words and he called me into the living room and told me, “grandma died today”.  It was something like that.  I probably shouldn’t use quotes.  I said, “oh, I’m going to basketball practice” and I left the house. I ran.  I always did…

Grandma had been sick with cancer for several months so it wasn’t a complete shock when she finally passed.  It was more of a blessing so she wouldn’t suffer any longer.  So why then, to this very day, can I not really talk about it?  I was talking to husband this past week and I mentioned something about her and I said, “my grandmother is dead”.  I cried like a baby.  I cried like it had just happened.  I’m crying now while writing this. 

So what does this have to do with all the fitness/weight loss goals?  Well, ultimately, the journey is to a healthier and happier me.  And health isn’t just physical!  So I’m doing some work on me the person.  I wonder why I am the way I am. A perfect example…

One day in grad school, I walked into class.  We were doing presentations that day so the professor wasn’t by the podium as usual.  Instead he sat in the room with us.  He sat in my seat.  Let me set the stage for this.  There were 12 people in my class.  There were maybe 16 seats in the room.  Creatures of habit, we all knew which seat belonged to whom.  The professors knew.  The other classes knew.  EVERYONE knew.  He sat in my seat.  I walked in and just looked at him.  And then I had to sit somewhere else.  I remember this as one of the moments that I quietly freaked out inside while attempting an outwardly calm, cool and collected demeanor.  When I think about this moment, it bothers me.  It’s been 5 years since I graduated and THIS is what I remember.  Why would something like that bother someone so much?

I’ve had roommates and I’m pretty sure they would all tell you that one of my quirks is I don’t like it when people touch my stuff.  My one roommate, whom I’m still good friends with, imitated me once by saying, “don’t touch my stuff, don’t touch my stuff, don’t touch my stuff”.  I don’t know what we were talking about but this caught me off guard. 

But then again, when people tell me that they know I’m all tough girl on the outside and gooey marshmallow on the inside, I’m shocked.  Am I THAT transparent?!?! 

Duh Donna, you know you wear your heart on your sleeve!!  So flipping true.  In high school, I apparently became a concern for some of my coaches and my parents.  My coaches came to my classes to make sure I was there and I found out years later that my parents would drive around school or town to make sure I was where I said I was.  They were concerned I might be out taking my own life. 

This shocked me!  But, I guess I was showing that I wasn’t feeling well.  I was showing signs of depression.  “Are you ok?”  Such an innocent inquiry. “Are you ok?”  “I’m fine.”  Just as quick as the question comes the answer.  “I’m fine.”  No I wasn’t fine!  I was thankful to make it to the bathroom in time and get the door closed before the waterworks came pouring down.  “I’m fine.” Followed by a hasty exit to find somewhere, anywhere, private.  Because I’m fine and don’t need to trouble you with what is troubling me.  I can deal with it on my own. 

But now, at the ripe old age of 33, I’m realizing that I’m NOT fine.  I’m confused by my behavior and don’t understand why I feel the way I do and why I am the way I am.  And I want to know why!  Why can’t I adjust to sudden changes?  Why can’t I adjust to any changes at all?  I hate change!! And holy S*** have I gone through a TON in the last 2 years. 

Ok, so go to counseling or go talk to someone or something.  Why would someone who seems to like to keep everything locked up want to share these things so publicly?  Because I’m tired of hiding.  Really, I’m hoping to become the next big movie (like Julie/Julia).  No kidding.  That was my first inspiration.  But as I started turning a dream of sorts into reality, something started happening.  Mind you, it’s been a week of work but it’s been almost 5 years of thinking about this very project. But one or two comments, a shared blog, a private message, texts from MIL, talking to Mom and so many tears (in a freaking week!) have made me realize that I’m not alone.  People will read and people will learn.  And if one person can learn from my story, then it’ll be worth it.  And someone can share with me that they’ve been there, and then I know I can do it too.  

I LOVE Food

I love FOOD!!!  It’s true… I admit it freely and openly!  Sometimes I love food so much and I’m too busy om nom nomming that I get so full that I feel sick.  I love food! 

Funny, the only thing that is running through my head right now is a line from my other friend’s blog.  She is doing an experiment of sorts and is often saying, “Well, it’s all fodder for the blog”.  And right now, I keep hearing in my head, “it’s all fooder for the blog”.  Hahaha…

I love food and this love of food has added to my excessive poundage that I have acquired. I’ll try almost anything once and usually, 2, 3, and 4 times!  My eyes are easily 6 times the size of my stomach.  This is such an issue that I have recently tried eating, and/or ordering, half of what I think I might want.  I will look at the amount on my husband’s plate and make an effort to eat less than he does.  I’ve made a conscious effort to NOT order appetizers and to limit the sides of ranch and sour cream that I get.  But I love food and I love food with sour cream and ranch!   

And I always go back for seconds, sometimes thirds, because it tastes sooooooo good!  I often feel guilty if I eat more than husband. I don’t know why, but I guess in my mind he is my gauge.  If I eat more than he does, I’m going to put on weight but I’m ok if I eat less than he does.  Kinda warped eh? 

On the contrary to this love of food, I have often found myself, discovering at 1, 2 or 3pm on any given day, that I haven’t eaten anything (except morning coffee).  How can such a profound lover of food forget to eat?  Of course, on these days, by dinner time I am starving and will stuff anything, and lots of it, into my mouth to squelch the angry growling monsters in my belly. 

So, I love food.  And I find it extremely difficult to go without certain foods that I love so much.  Cake and ice cream?  Come on, once a month is ok right? 

One is too many and ten is not enough… My dad told me this when we were talking about addiction one day.  I just googled it to give credit where credit is due.  It appears to come from any number of addiction sites (alcoholics anonymous, narcotics anonymous, etc… including overeaters) and actually should read, “one is too many and a thousand is never enough”.  I like my dad’s saying better.  More realistic to me. 

One is too many and ten is not enough.  I. LOVE. food.  

History and Background

Quick preview- Food Journal, Excel Sheet, Emotions- Good and Bad, Weight Gain History

In determining a title for this entry, I realized that I had two conflicting thoughts doing battle in my brain.  I didn’t even know it was happening until I started writing!  (And then I picked a completely different title!)  

In one corner you have food and nutrition and in the other, weight loss.  Then floating in the middle of the ring, you have all these issues and side thoughts about what to write on both topics.  And what should the first real blog entry be about? 

The bottom line is that I need to eat better (good nutrition) and that will lead to me losing weight.  Sounds SO easy right?! 

So let’s explore… On this journey, my step one, my first goal is losing weight.  Where do you begin with that?  Well, how do we gain weight?  Excess calories from FOOD (See blog entitled I Love Food)!!  For quite some time now, husband has told me that keeping a food journal would help.  For quite some time now, I have started food journals and usually get to 4, maybe 5, days before it gets tossed aside and forgotten.  I’ve used paper and pen, internet based, phone apps and the ever popular “in my head” style of keeping track of what I eat (sometimes including calories, fat, carbs, protein intake for every morsel).  The problem became that foods weren’t in the database or the information wasn’t available or I didn’t have my handy little notebook with me.  What I decided was that I am always with my laptop and/or my phone and I needed to make them work together.  I don’t always have internet or good service and really, incomplete databases frustrate the ever living hell out of me… So, I created an excel sheet, just for me.  (I will try to upload it somehow so you can see it…)  It’s on my phone and my computer.  And I can at least record the food item/emotion in the moment and go back later to get the numbers from various sources. 

I’m sure I’ll get into specifics at some point but later in my journey and training, I’ll be eating for triathlons and specifically, Ironman.  From what I understand and have learned, this lends itself to a 60% carbs, 20% fat, & 20% protein plan of nutrition.  This does not typically equate to weight loss.  But, in preparation, the excel sheet accounts for percentage as well as calorie totals.  I also put in a comments section so I can write, “felt crappy… had a bad day… was craving a burger… deserved a treat…” to track the emotional side of this. 

I feel like I’m getting off track but the emotional side of this journey is HUGE.  BIG. GIGANTIC.  ENORMOUS.  GI-NORMOUS!  Get it?  I think I’m an emotional eater.  I mean, aren’t we all to a certain extent?  But I recently had a job and I was there for 3 years.  And over the course of those 3 years, I would say Mt. Dew was my “drug of choice”.  And McDonald’s.  And KFC.  And of course, beer.  Let’s not forget about beer. The job was good but I was not happy there.  So bad day = McDouble with a coke on the way home to “make it all better”.  And there were many a plenty of “bad days”. 

And then there are GOOD days too!  And you meet a boy and you like boy.  And boy likes you!  And you date… And your dates consist of yummy, yummy dinners at many, many restaurants.  I mean, a mutual love of hamburgers leads to date #1 and a mutual love of rugby and beer leads to fun weekends with friends.  And then all of a sudden you’ve been dating for a year, you’re engaged to be married and you’ve put on 20 lbs.  And you aren’t currently playing rugby so that adds another 10-15 lbs.  And your personal high weight keeps going up.  “God, if I’m EVER 200 lbs… OMG! If I’m EVER 210 lbs… Ok, I’m serious, if I ever tip the scale at 220 lbs…”  I’ve said all these things to myself over the course of the last 3 years.  But wait, it goes back further…

I left home at the age of 22.  And went to college.  Off to Philadelphia I went.  I lived downtown and commuted to Temple University by bike or train.  You are always moving in the city.  Walking, biking, running for the bus that only comes every 30 minutes and is the only way to get home at 11pm… All this exercise left me at 165 lbs and the fittest I’ve been, probably ever, or at least since high school. Then my senior year, I had an athletic training assignment off campus so I got a car. This put on 10 lbs over the course of a semester.  Still, no problem. 175 lbs and off to AZ in July for grad school.

Arizona, in July, is freakin’ HOT!  When you aren’t accustomed to that and you don’t know anyone, you sit in your apartment, watch TV, wait for school to start in August and you eat.  Maybe you don’t, but I did. And I didn’t realize what was happening to my waist line until orientation came around.  Actually, it was a dinner at a golf resort.  I went to put on my nice clothes and was SHOCKED that I couldn’t get the buttons to come anywhere close to each other. Called my new classmate and said I couldn’t make it.  I’m sure I had some lame excuse.  This marks point zero on my journey.  This was the FIRST time “I got fat”.  I say “I got fat” because that’s what I would tell people for the next 7 years. I still say it today.  And from that point on, I would pretend I was still 175 lbs.  I’d record it on various papers that required height and weight.  The AZ DMV thinks I’m 175 lbs.  But I would go to doctor appointments over the years and my eyes would go saucer size when they would record 190, 200, 215 lbs.  

Ok, so I moved to AZ in 2004, put on weight (high was 190-200 lbs I think), then I dropped some when I started working.  I dropped some more when I started playing rugby.  When I stopped playing rugby and when husband and I started dating, would mark the 2^nd period of weight gain in my life.  I think I was 180-190ish when we started dating.  I was 200-210 when we got engaged.  Today, after almost a year and a half of marriage, I’m 220 lbs.  Happiness… what a b****!! For the record, husband had lost 60 lbs. prior to us dating and also suffered from about a 30-40 lbs. gain. (For the record, when HIS pants started to get too tight, he trained for a marathon and got them to fit again.)

Quick recap- Food Journal, Excel Sheet, Emotions- Good and Bad, Weight Gain History

 I think this is a good start for today.  J

Goals...

I think a good place to start this blog, and this journey, is with my goals as they stand today.  These will be further defined as time goes on but for now, this is what I'm working on...

• Lose some weight.  Goal is 40-50 lbs.  Or size 10/12.  If I weigh 190 lbs and I fit into a size 12 dress I'll be ecstatic!  So it isn't so much about poundage... At some point I'll look into getting my body fat done as well and would like to one day be in the healthy range for my age/gender.  
• Philadelphia Marathon.  Goal time- < 5 hours.  4.5 hours would be nice.  So I don't want to just finish.  I want to finish quickly.  
• IronMan Arizona 2012.  If the weight loss goes according to plan, the marathon goes well and I'm able to register for it, then starting in January training for IMAZ commences.